More Than I Can Handle?
I used to love the quote “God doesn’t give us more than we can handle”. I’m not as big a fan of this sentiment these days as I feel like God or the Universe has given me too much to deal with for now. We’ve all been isolated from the lives we’re accustomed to, so I’m fairly confident I’m not alone in saying that I feel like screaming “ENOUGH ALREADY!”
I’m not going to list all of my woes and concerns but just know that there are days I’m so overwhelmed I can’t see anything clearly. I have weekly online therapy sessions which are helpful, but as anyone who’s been through any sort of healing process knows, it has to hurt before it can feel better. And it hurts.
Connections and realizations are made and there’s excitement at the breakthrough. Then the hurt settles back in as I step into my new reality. You see with each session and each step towards feeling better, there’s the discomfort that things I believed to be true for decades just crumbled before me. The guilt I’ve carried for years or months isn’t mine to carry. To acknowledge that your self-destruction wasn’t your fault but that it is your responsibility and yours alone leaves you sitting with grief that’s difficult to explain to anyone around you.
Patience has never been a virtue of mine, and while I’ve experienced significant growth in that area I still feel like I’m not healing fast enough to keep up with the world around me. I should have jumped into therapy as soon as I separated from my husband so then Event A wouldn’t have led to Event B and C and so on. I feel like I’m falling behind in a race where I’m the only one running and everyone I’ve ever known stands along the course cheering me on or watching and waiting for me to trip. WHERE IS THE DAMN FINISH LINE?
My brain knows healing takes time and I’m reminded regularly to cut myself some slack. I know this and would probably give a friend that same advice, yet somewhere deep in my heart and soul I hold myself to higher standards. I don’t know how NOT to expect more of myself when I’ve always come through tough times. My worst times have allowed me to become someone who regards a situation through a lens of compassion before judgement.
I wish I hadn’t gone through half of what I’ve experienced but I can only learn from it and move forward. I know that the pain I’m facing will most likely be worse than what I’ve felt up to this point. That scares the hell out of me but I’m finishing this damn race, no matter how many times I trip along the way. I’ve been given this much to handle because I’m strong enough to do so.