I’ve lost control…

By Shannon Lelievre

Running is how I strengthen the mind-body connection. My body feels good when my mind feels good and my mind feels strong when my body is strong. I feel like I am the captain of my ship: I direct my course and decide my distance and pace. Pushing my body to its physical limits is how I maintain a link to the limits of my mind.

Real life is happening right now and I’m not going to blow sunshine up your ass and say everything is great because it’s not. This is real life, folks: my divorce is dragging on, my uterus is behaving like a hangry 2 year old, and I’m not sure I’ve recovered completely from my concussion. That mind-body connection feels weak.

One of my favourite songs right now is “Sad Forever” by Lauv. Actually anything and everything by Lauv is in heavy rotation, but this one hits me right square in the feels.

Life feels like a daydream
And I just wish that I could wake up
I just wish that I could wake up
My mind, whispers in the nightime
Voices always keeping me up
Telling me that I should give up
‘Cause lately
I’ve been in the backseat to my own life
Trying to take control, but I don’t know how, to”

Sad Forever, Lauv

I feel like I’m not directing my ship anymore. I’m not the captain and my life is out of my hands. I’m struggling to fight those late night whispers and I’m falling asleep and dreaming my way through it all. I’m not even sure the mind-body connection exists right now.

How am I going to re-establish that connection when my body isn’t behaving the way it should?

How can I get that sense of ownership over my life back when so much of it seems to be tied to someone else?

How do I climb back into the drivers’ seat and take the wheel?

This is where my tendency towards sunshiny optimism appears, but my business is called Mindset Events for a reason. Mindset matters above all else and this is where I take back control.

I take control of my thoughts. 

I take control of my reactions.

I take control of my time.

I take control of who I’m surrounded by.

I take control of what I watch and listen to and read.

I take control of what I eat and drink and when I move.

I take control by taking my meds and talking it through with friends and a counselor.

I can’t force the surgeon to remove my uterus tomorrow because I wish it. I can’t force my soon-to-be-ex-husband to sign the agreement because I wish it. I can’t command my brain to go back to the way it was before the car accident. All I can do is do the best I can with what I have where I am at this moment.

Watching “The Handmaid’s Tale” made me anxious so I started watching something else. Simple as that. When the fears surrounding my health creep in, I acknowledge them and redirect my thoughts like you would change the channel on TV. When my nausea over legal expenses sets in, I acknowledge it and change the mental channel. When those doubts over my ability to overcome these hurdles taunt me at night, I remind myself of all of the challenges I’ve faced head on until now.

I didn’t feel great yesterday so I allowed myself to rest. I didn’t feel well enough to run today, so I walked 6 kilometres. I felt myself being coaxed into an argument and I refused to engage. I have uncomfortable medical appointments tomorrow, but I’ve got a wicked playlist ready to keep me company. True ownership of my life means accepting the futility of trying to control the world around me and instead control the world within my mind.

Lauv continues…

“I’m coming through to the other side
I’ll make it through to tomorrow
‘Cause that’s all I can do today
Do today”

Sad Forever, Lauv